belated publication, same feelings

Below is a post that I wrote on November 24, but never published. Found it in my draft folder. Enjoy.


November 24, 2010

Salaam ya shabab. I am sitting at the airport waiting for my flight home to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving break. All that I have gotz to say is that Alhamdulillah I made it to Thanksgiving. I am definitely staying positive, but I have barely been making progress. The idea of “small wins” gets me through day to day, but I have lost most control of the classroom (which incorrectly implies that I ever had control). Sometdays I tell myself that it’s the 8th graders that kill me. Other days I say it’s the 7th graders. And then there are others where I say it’s the 6th graders.

I don’t hate my life and every day I go in to school thinking that today will be different. But, it’s really not. Same kids not turning in homework. Same students frolicking throughout the classroom during instruction. Same girls mocking me and talking back to me. Several times I stand at the front of the classroom listening to and watching the chaos ensue in front of me. Many times I stand there in silence while students continue totally disregard my presence.

Frankly I am sick of using “systems.” I am sick of buying my kids things. I am sick of giving points to team Costa Rica for opening their notes when asked or team España for sitting in their seats during instruction. Even when kids “earn” points them with class points, they don’t deserve it. For example, I give points when the kids can silently brainstorm for 5 seconds. I give points when 80% of the students repeat a word when I say “repeat.” I always have kids come up to me at the end of the hour and ask “Ms Señorita Mararez, how come I ain’t get no extra credit when I act right all hour?” My response of course: because you are EXPECTED to “act right” all hour. I will give extra credit when you go above and beyond in class and when you show me that you are an exceptional student. However, sitting in your seat for 68 minutes and raising your hand to answer questions does NOT merit extra credit.

I had a rough moment yesterday when a parent who is always stopping by the school came in and caught me in the hall. He asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving break and I told him that I was heading home to Wisconsin. He asked “so how are the schools where you are from?” and then he added “in comparison to here…” I was not anticipating that last part and was not sure how to answer, as technically I am a representative of the school for which I work. I thought for a second, trying not to make my answer sound forced and answered “They’re really good.” While in my mind I was thinking “they are so much better than Benjamin Stoddert Middle School. In fact my experience in school was so great that I am concerned for your daughter’s well being and success as a student at this school.”

Of course I was not about to say that to this concerned parent, but that was the truth of the matter. What actually popped into my mind was a phraes that Mr Stien, the English teacher at West High School used a lot. He said “From here [Waukesha West High School], you can go anywhere.” Every time he used that I thought it sounded, for lack of better words, so dumb. Of course we could go anywhere… college, career, stay in Wisconsin, move to another city, go abroad, study science, major in literature. But only now do I think that I am beginning to understand what he meant. “Being able to go anywhere” is actually a very unique and uncommon quality. Waukesha West High School, even with all its administrative issues and student snootiness, offered a plethora of AP Courses, after school activities, leadership opportunities, scholarships, extracurricular conferences for students, and above all a relatively safe educational environment. Can I say that about the school where I work? I don’t think I can. Can I assure the parents of my students that from Benjamin Stoddert Middle School, they will be prepared to be successful in High School and beyond? Simply, no.

I am not sure where it happened, but at some point in my early life, my parents got through to me that anything less than the best is not acceptable. And that this concept applied to a variety of realms. Turning in a crumpled homework assignment was not okay. Printing an essay without revising it first was not okay.

I remember one specific time in elementary school (2nd or 3rd grade) when we students were made to write a note home to our parents about something. I was excited to present it to my parents, but when I gave it to my mother, her response was not as expected. She looked at it and read out loud “Mom and PAD? Maria does this say Dear Mom and PAD?” Of course it did not. It CLEARLY said mom and dad in my 2nd grade writing, but according to my mom I had not looped the D down low enough and instead it formed a P. I remember being so frustrated because why couldn’t she just take the note for what it was and put my ONE penmanship mistake aside? But as everything is always 20/20 in hindsight, I now see that this one incident was part of a greater scheme to instill the idea that I should and need to take pride in everything that I do, big and little. She made me erase my P and re-write it as a D.

This is one of the elements that I see my students missing. Somewhere along the line, the students have not learned this essential skill. Will they make it in the world without it? Yes. Will they do well without it? No. Will they get the best educational opportunities, jobs and ultimately live a fulfilling life as a result? While I can’t speak for anyone who isn’t me, I am going to assert a firm NO here as well. The absolute CRAP that I receive on a daily basis is laughable but sad at the same time. I feel obliged to give full credit on assignments that are not complete or on which the directions have not read or followed the directions because at least they did it at all. But then I think I am lowering my expectations for the students. Is it fair to them that I am accepting crippty crap from them now and thus, setting them up for failure in the work world and the world of higher education? Try to half-ass taking inventory at the café where you get a job in high school. Try to write a college essay which includes fragmented sentences and grave spelling and grammar errors. Try telling your boss that you lost your current project and for that reason are just not going to turn it in. FIRED. DENIED. AND FIRED. It’s such a struggle. Do I ONLY accept the best and make even the medium- smart kids feel like failures? Or do I accept the shite that I get now to at least make kids feel like they can achieve?

So that’s where I am right now.

I recently had a friend ask me if I was depressed because a negative comment that I made. I told him no, but that’s just the reality of the situation. I feel that I have now left the bubble of bliss and constant life harmony and entered the world where I am much more aware of the serious problems that plague our country and world. It’s awful. So many broken systems which perpetuate classism, racism, failure and desperation in our “great nation.” But of course that’s something that is obvious and which is exposed in the media all the time. The worst part about all of it is that I have really internalized the fact that I can only do so much and that “so much” will not solve anything.

A lot of people say “Well as long as your making a difference in the life of one kid, that’s enough.” Well, actually, when you have 180 children under your wing, helping one student is not enough. What about the other 179 who are potentially failing not only Spanish but Middle School in general? Is that acceptable for a marketer to tell his boss that “Well my new plan will reel in 1/180 of the market so I think we can consider this a success” Or how about a non-profit announcing that it has raised .005 % of its goal? PEOPLE, NO. IT AIN’T RIGHT.